#Momlyfe

I often find myself joking about being a Mother. Thinking about it being a Mom today inspired me to write about something serious that women today struggle with. Body Image.  I have always struggled with my image to an extent. I have never had full confidence in my body, when I said never, I mean not in high school, not ever. Being pregnant definitely had an effect on my self-esteem because my body changed so drastically, so quickly. Now it has been almost 4 months and my body is still healing. I look in the mirror and I feel little confidence. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have been feeling especially bad about my body. I have been trying to jump into working out. (Side note, I have never been into exercising in my life & it is really hard. :( ) I am getting angry with myself because I am not seeing any results and I am feeling so much pain. I look in the mirror and I see all my stretch marks and I start searching online for ways to try and get them to disappear.

    As I stared at my beautiful little girl and just marveled and how amazing she was and that I love her such much I literally cannot even put it into words I thought to myself, "Britney, you made this. You made her. She started out with love, you nurtured that body in your own. You loved her so much that you wanted to sacrifice your body, and many of the things you've always enjoyed doing to ensure her health. That weight you gained is only temporary, that pain you feel will go away. She was brought to life through you." I need to stop being so sensitive and insecure about my body and start to cherish the life it brought. I encourage all women struggling with the same fact to remember how often people tell you and you ignore it. It takes at LEAST 1 year for your body to get back to the placement it was prior to pregnancy.

I want to end in a rant about how wonderful it is to be a Mom. It is hard, but completely satisfying. I don't get time off, and I don't get breaks. My time is all dedicated to this little girl I provide for that doesn't know any better. I vow to give her all of me, everything I can. Because she deserves much more than what I can even give. My heart shatters for every child in this world that doesn't get the same love and affection from their parents. As Mother's day approaches I encourage you all to reach out to your Mom's & Dad's and cherish what they have done for you.

 If you have some time, go ahead and watch this if you haven't.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2bCO2_HyJs

Growing up

          As the new chapter of my life rapidly approaches, and my time in Utah fades to become a distant memory I have had a lot of time to ponder about a lot of things. The biggest thing in particular that has been on my mind is my incredible parents that I am leaving behind. Moving out of state is a very scary experience for me, just leaving my parents house to move in with Nick was intimidating. Now I am going to be moving my little family across two states! Granted I will be with Nick's incredible family, I will be hours away from mine. It is no exaggeration when I say my "life" is going to be left behind, although the definition of my life has changed greatly in the last 2.5 months. My life is now my daughter, there are lots of people in my life that I still care for but, my baby is my life & she is why we are moving. So we can better our lives together, for her.
         Another thing that I have been thinking about is the lack of love and support I have felt from a lot of people. I have noticed over the last couple months & years that the friends you thought were you friends, really don't care about me like I care about them. I understand everyone getting their own lives & growing up, but the saying "having 3 real friends is way better than having 10 friends" definitely comes to mind. I always have thought of a bunch of different people as best friends, but I am seeing a serious lack of support, love, & overall friendship from a lot of those "best friends". Where those have lacked, others have stepped in & my relationships have blossomed with those real best friends of mine. While I do feel a sadness because it seems I am mourning the loss of people close to me, it makes me question the entire time if they ever were really there. Calling up a friend to get drunk, or have lunch isn't really much of a friendship to me. I want my best friends to be my family & I am glad to have found the friends of mine that I still feel that love and support from.


♣♣Also, happy mcdrunkies day. ♣♣

Neglecting

             Golly gee, it has been quite a while since I have shared some love on here. So much has happened & I have just been such a busy bee. I gave birth to a sweet angel on 12/27/2013 after being induced and being in labor for almost a full 24 hours. After 3 hours of pushing my sweet bundle of joy joined my husband & I with her head full of hair and sweet smile. I will forever remember those precious first moments of her life, she didn't start screaming until they start poking and prodding at her, by the time they were done she was screaming. They laid that precious gift on my chest for skin to skin & in what I felt like was my gentlest voice possible I said, "Hey my sweet baby Aria, it's okay." with tears filling my eyes. She immediately stopped screaming and looking directly up at me smiling. That first 3 seconds made the last 9 months seem like nothing horrible ever happened. Since then I have been a busy Mama. Aria is a wonderful baby, she hardly ever cries & when she does it's more of a whine for about 10 seconds. She sleeps most of the night & is the most snuggly little monkey ever. She is gaining weight and growing like a weed. It seems like just yesterday was going into the hospital to be induced & it has almost been exactly 11 weeks! I must admit throughout pregnancy I was very worried about being able to breastfeed & I proudly proclaim to everyone that she is exclusively breastfed. (GO ME, WOOT WOOT) I encourage every mother to try, & trust me the first few weeks are not easy but you CAN get your supply up, & you CAN produce enough to get your little one gaining weight. It is the best thing for them, so do it!
               Secondly, everyone tells you how hard it is to have a baby, the old people crack jokes & the young couples tell you its hard, but for some reason it never really sinks in. I always chuckled to myself, yeah yeah it isn't that bad, & If I am being realistic I really don't think it is that hard to have a baby, so far. I can see that it is definitely going to get hard. The infant themselves is not the challenge for me, it is the changes that I have to make within myself & the sacrifices that I must make for the betterment of my child. Although having her around me relying on me for everything is definitely extremely draining, I wouldn't trade being a mother for anything. It is most definitely the greatest role I have ever played in my life and I am honored to say that God was ready to send her to me.
             I have realized quickly the hardest part of having a newborn is the strain it has on my marriage. Being married is already stressful enough. For some reason living with Nicholas for a year before was a cakewalk compared to being married, & believe me. Living together prior to being married was no walk in the park either. I don't know why the paperwork complicated my life so much more, but marriage is hard. It takes work everyday. Saying that, marriage is at least 1 billiontrillionkazillionX harder after having a baby. Which is why I am so lucky & blessed to say I have the best parents ever, both my parents & my in laws.
          Which brings me to my other big news!! I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!! Jokes. I would die. I AM NOT PREGNANT. Our lease for our stupid apartment complex is up at the end of March. I am embarrassed to admit that over the length of my hard pregnancy & in the last two years I have not had the best of luck financially & because of that my credit has suffered greatly. Nick already had poopy credit, but now together, we have poopy credit. Go us!//jokes. Not only that but we have a great deal of debt & I have been looking around for another place to live since January and let's just say, I was having no such luck. Nick's parents being as wonderful as they are have offered us a deal of a lifetime, an opportunity that cannot be refused. It is going to be very difficult and heartbreaking for me to leave my home, friends, family, & mountains that I have been surrounded with my entire life. We are moving to California in less than 2 short weeks. I am excited & very nervous at the same time, but I am doing what is best for my family. Nick & maybe me, will be going to school and working part time while everything else is well taken care of and we are going to start paying off debt and saving money to help get a house after we have careers and improved our credit. At least that is the plan. I will be living in the beautiful Napa Valley about 40 minutes from San Francisco & because I will have virtually no friends & a lot more help with the baby. Expect to hear from me a lot more.





       
       

False Alarm

    Only a few days after we got back from California, I had a false alarm, well Nick had more of a false alarm than I did. he was at work and I had been a busy bee all day long, my stomach was pretty hard and I had been having consistent contractions, nothing to painful and out of the ordinary though. What made me nervous was my little bug has ALWAYS been moving so much I never had to do any kick counts, on this particular day I hadn't felt her very much. So I laid down to do kick counts and I only felt her move a couple of times. I called Nick and told him that I was going to go to the Emergency room to make sure everything was okay. Nick got a little bit over excited and he decided told me to come and pick him up from work, so like a good little wifey I did.
      As soon as I got to his work to pick him up, he could tell that I was in pain, he told me to move out of the drivers seat because he was going to drive. Now if you know Nick, you know he hates driving, and you also know that he doesn't have his license and especially hates driving my car because it is a stick shift. He was so panicked and so cute driving all the way to the hospital. He was shaking and antsy thinking he was about about to be a father. It just made my heart melt. I tried to tell him that I didn't think it was time, but that I wanted to get the baby checked to make sure she was okay. Me being a first time mom, and all the complications I have had, not to mention the ones that have happened in the past with my family I don't take any chances.
        We got to the hospital and he was just getting more antsy, he was pacing and smiling. So excited, but didn't know what to do. He even posted on Facebook that tonight might be the night, called his mom and everyone in the family thought I was going into labor. He sat in that fathers chair just watching my monitor for every time I had a contraction, even if it was small he would get excited. Well, like I said previously, I wasn't going into labor and everything with my little angel turned out just fine and we got sent home to sit and wait around for a couple more weeks.

Thanksgiving

      I am so behind on my posting on my blog, and I guess it has to do with lack of motivation to sit down and type, but now as I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of Aria, I figure to keep my mind busy maybe its a good time to sit down and write.


     For Thanksgiving, (I didn't even finish my grateful list, oh well I suck) Nick & I had the opportunity to go out to California and visit his family. We were both very excited for this, I actually was probably more nervous than anything. You see, I have only met Nick's parents once, and I haven't met anyone else in his family, or any of his friends from back home. I was suppose to be meeting the whole famdam.... Aunts, Uncles, Grandma, Sisters, Brothers, Nieces & Nephews. Since Nick and I have really been struggling financially his parents graciously paid for our gas to drive there and home, and fed us the entire time we were there. The only time we spent any of our own money was when we went to Jack in The Box (WINNNNNINGGGG) & to buy flowers and a card for his parents, just a little token to show that we really appreciated everything they did for us. The drive there was horrible, we were so excited we could hardly stand it and decided to leave at 11:00pm. Nick's mom made us promise not to leave until 4 or 5am, so she wasn't expecting us until the evening... Well SURPRISE MA, we got there right at 9:30 to watch football. :) She was happy, but a little overwhelmed, in my opinion she is the super Mom. She cooks for everyone, most the time cleans up the kitchen, her house is spotless and she has a plan laid out for what seems to be everything. She is wonderful. Meeting Nick's sister wasn't awkward at all, I know this sounds stupid but we have been Facebook friends since last Thanksgiving & I got a lot more comfortable with her personality, meeting her boyfriend PJ was no big deal either. In fact, he reminds me a lot of my older brother so I really enjoyed being in both of their company, it felt a lot like being at home. After staying at Nick's parents house for 2 nights we drove about 45 miles (I'm guessing, because I really have no idea) to a place called Bodega Bay. It was beautiful, we stayed in a beach house pretty close to the coast. We could see the waves crashing from these gigantic windows in the living room. I will never forget my experience there because it really was so amazing. Most the days we were there it was a little chilly, but nothing to terrible. People were surfing in wetsuits, they're nuts. But we ran with our dog on the beach and played in the water. Leo was terrified of the waves, it was fabulous. Nick's dad bless his heart, had to drive back to Napa most of the days we were at the beach house because of work of coaching responsibilities. We didn't do a lot, other than relax while in Bodega bay. That is where we had Thanksgiving dinner where I got to meet Nick's other siblings, Anthony (and his daughter Shaylynn) Chris & his wife Kim, and there two littles ones. Quiet embarrassing but one of those little ones opened the door to the bathroom while I was using the toilet because the lock was broken and I didn't know! Then he ran off and left the door wide open!!!! My poor little pregnant but couldn't get up fast enough so I was just screaming for Nick hahahahah. I only got to really meet one of Nick's friends, which was fine with me, because this is his friend that he talks about the most, his very best friend for years of his life. I got to meet one of his Aunts & Uncles, but unfortunately everyone else couldn't make it to dinner at the beach house, a little disappointing, but it was okay because I was more comfortable around the same close family that I had met earlier in the vacation. What stunk the most was that most everyone was enjoying some adult beverage and little old me got to drink water or ginger ale. (SOON TASTEBUDS.. SOON) We played ping pong against Dani and Pj for a while, that was also pretty fun. Its crazy how the little things make the best memories. I am so grateful that I got to go out and finally meet all of Nick's family and see the small gorgeous town full of such beauty and a MILLION wineries. It filled a void that I have been trying to find out, why he acts the way he does sometimes, and since we came back home I feel like our relationship has been strengthened so much stronger and we are getting along so much better!

Grateful

       Everyone is posting all over Facebook everyday one thing they are thankful for, well that is wonderful. I just don't feel like posting something new on my Facebook status everyday, so I decided I would do one large post right on my blog with everything that I am grateful for, and a little bit of an explanation why. If you read all of these, kudos to you. These things come in no particular order, just something that crossed my mind throughout the day that I thought, I am so lucky to have this.

1. The opportunity I have that the state assists me medically, and temporary food assistance.
          When I found out I was pregnant, my dad announced he was retiring and told me to get my teeth cleaned and everything else because I was going to be losing my insurance. Imagine the immediate stress I felt considering I had not told my parents the big news yet. Luckily with how bad we have struggled financially over the last year, I qualified for state medicaid and I think the lord everyday, because there is no way I could have afforded this pregnancy as I have been high risk the entire time and have to take more medications than what I consider a normal pregnancy would consist of. Also, I don't get embarrassed to say I am currently taking food stamps, a lot of people judge and think of that person is just manipulating the system blahblahblah. Let me tell you cynical people something as you judge me, this nice phone I have that I struggle to pay the bill for every month (but I am in a contract with so I have too.) I bought with my own money over a year ago when I was working for the state making a lot more money with benefits and everything than I am now. That car you see me driving, I am late on the payment every month and can barely afford to keep it as well but I have to have some way to get around. I literally have monthly bills that are higher than my income right now. So stuff it, you never know someones circumstances until you fall into a hardship of your own, don't be so quick to judge. In any event, I am especially grateful for state assistance.

2. My Parents, especially my Daddy.
       Do I still call my Dad Daddy? You bet, and anyone that knows me and my father can tell you that we have a very good relationship. I have always been a huge Daddy's girl and I have no shame in saying that. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom just as much as my Dad, but this post is going to be mainly about the great man my father really is. He has always been supportive, he doesn't like or approve of a lot of the things I do, and he jokes about it and gives me crap about it all the time. But when I need something, I know I can go to my Dad. Over the last few months with our financial struggle, even though he has been retired he has given us a great deal of money so that we have been able to stay barely afloat. Even though many times I try and refuse to go to my Dad for help, he may not think that, I try take care of it on my own in the end when all else fails, I know my Dad is always there to help. Let me tell you a little story about how amazing my dad is, I went to my parents house on 11/2 and I was in mid conversation with my dad he was standing in the front room looking outside watching our elderly neighbor across the street. This man was trying to use a hand saw to cut down a tree in his front yard on his hands and knees. My dad turned around and said, "I gotta go help Bro.R, he's going to hurt himself." He then proceeded to walk to the garage, grab his tools and went across the street to help him. This is the kind of guy my dad is, he is always helping neighbors with their chores and taking care of their houses just as much as he is his own.

3. Sundays- FOOTBALL
    Most people would say they are grateful for Sunday's because of religious purposes. Well Sunday is football day in my house, all day long. As we are not very religious, we don't attend church meetings or anything. Although we do await Sunday like it is a holiday every week. Sunday is the only day that my husband has fully off of work, and lately I have been lucky enough to have it off as well. This is a huge bonding time for us as a couple and I look forward to the entire season when its off season. I just love football.

4.Technology
   Seriously, need I say more? I can't even imagine what life would have been like for us as a generation if we didn't have our cell phones, iPods, laptops, computers, & internet. Life has become so convenient, it could be considered a bad thing. Anyway, I am happy to have all of these resources to help make my life a little bit easier. Especially the shopping online. ;)

5. My Husband
   We may fight like crazy, especially right now because I am one grumpy pregnant lady, but he is there and when things get tough, I know he stands up to take care of us. For example, he is not currently on our lease because of an eviction, but obviously we live together. I may have fibbed and told the land lord when she found out this month, that he doesn't live with us. So I don't get an eviction on my name as well, Nick has stepped up and isn't staying here every night. As much as we both hate it, I know he's doing it because its the best thing for us right now. Not to mention how hard he is trying to get another better job to support us so I don't have to work as hard.

6. Friends
     I have incredible friends, that go above and beyond to take care of me. Especially throughout my pregnancy. Chelsey went to my birthing classes with me because Nick couldn't. Heaven help her, I know she is scarred for life because of those videos. They spoil me and my little girl already. They come over to help me with my dinky little nursery crafts and a lot of them have found big items for me to use with Aria that we cannot afford right now. My best friends are always there when I call or text them having a rough day. Always checking in on me. It's nice to have them, because without them I would have gone crazy months ago. I have a past with depression and I have struggled significantly throughout my pregnancy with it without saying anything to my doctor, family, or friends. I am just now starting on medication because it needs to be addressed early before I have my baby and get post-pardom depression.

7. Christmas Lights
   Don't take this the wrong way, I am seeing a lot of Christmas lights up already, and it brings such a warm comforting feeling, at least to me. But for heavens sake, put them away. ITS NOT CHRISTMAS YET! Let's celebrate Turkey day, I have been craving that meal for almost 2 months now. *mouth watering*

8.Utah
Utah scenery, the canyons and everything. I drive up there when I am upset and just need to breathe, I have always loved getting away up there. I am especially grateful for the beautiful sunsets that paint across the sky every night.

9.My daughter
  I haven't even met her face to face yet, but I am so lucky that she choose me to be the person to carry her into this world and love her endlessly forever. I gripe about being pregnant a lot, but every time she is moving a lot I lift up my shirt a little and just watch my belly. I always have my hands on there because nothing brings more comfort than to feel a human being inside you that you created. Its incredible.

10. My Doggy
I might sound like a freak, but I am really worried about having Aria. Leo is my partner in crime and he is pretty aggressive at times. I love him, he's my first real pet! I just hope that we can get him comfortable and loving with this baby soon, because I fear I will have to get rid of him and I don't even want to think about that. :(

11.Veterens
Like most every American, I am thankful for all of those people who have fought, or are fighting for my freedom daily. I am almost disgusted with myself to think about what they go through overseas to protect my liberties, while I drive to Panda Express and my biggest worry is that they are going to be out of fresh Orange chicken and Chow mein so I will have to wait a few extra minutes. Everything they do for our country is heroic & every single one of them deserves a medal.

12. My job
I just started a new job. It is stay at home, and it is awesome. They have been more than accommodating to my crazy pregnancy schedule and when I requested to get more hours they gladly said yes. I like being about to stay at home and work, its nice!

13. My in-laws
    Not everyone knows this, but I have only met Nick's parents once. They are so wonderful too. I haven't met anyone else in his family, but on Sunday (11/23) I get to meet the whole shebang, and I couldn't be more excited! I can only hope that his whole family is a fraction as caring and supportive as his mom. She is such a great lady and I appreciate all the support she gives to me!

14. Retail Employees
   I don't think they get enough credit, but as black friday approaches I feel bad that they are going to be working not only on Thanksgiving, but the next day, which is the worst day of the year, most likely, all day long. Because I have been a retail employee and had to work these long shifts, I can feel the anguish and disgust they feel towards everyone. Just know people working on black friday, I appreciate you working on a shit day so that I (which I never really do) and my family members can go shopping for great deals!

15. Other Moms
   Friends of mine, or even women I don't know all that well, that are moms. Pretty much anyone that I know that is a mother. I can relate to them and I feel comfortable asking most of them any questions I am having about my pregnancy, or any doubts. Especially not that I am rapidly approaching labor. Gosh I can't believe I am so close, only a couple weeks out!

16. A warm bed
   I know not everyone has the luxury to jump into a nice comfy bed at night, or even during the day. OR in my case, whenever the freak I want. I curl myself up right into the covers and could just lay my whole life away.

17.Google
    I take such bad advantage of it, I ask it everything in the world. I cannot imagine how people survived without asking the stupid questions I google daily.

18. School
   Even though I am not currently enrolled, I am thankful that I have the opportunity to continue my education when not everyone gets to do that.

19. Christmas Treats
  I may not be able to indulge in them like I want too because of my current diabetes situation, but I do have a small taste every so often and it is no where near satisfying. This is one of my favorite parts of the season and it really stinks not being able to participate.

20.

Marriage

       I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have heard in my life that marriage is hard, and I just brushed it off thinking that everyone saying that was crazy, especially because living with Nick for a year before we got married I thought we had most all of our kinks worked out. Well ladies and possibly gentleman. Marriage is hard. Especially being pregnant, don't get me wrong. I love my husband, he is the light of my life, although during my pregnancy I have wanted to kill him on more than one occasion. Thank heavens for him putting up with me because I have never felt so crabby in my life as I have since I entered my 3rd trimester. 
       In any event, the last couple of weeks I have felt a little hopeless in marriage and everything. I am sure this can be contributed to my endless crazy hormones but none the less. A friend posted a blog post on Facebook today that was titled, "Marriage Isn't For You". This grabbed my attention and so I began to read this article. I want you to know it is not at all what it seems, and I believe it is something that everyone can benefit from reading, single, married, or in a relationship. I am going to post a link to it incase you want to read the entire article, but I am going to share a little blurb of the part the just made my heart sing and reminded me exactly why Nick & I got married. (Not that I forgot, but its hard to keep your mind on the positive when there is a lot of stress at home.)

“You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this real simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself,you’re marrying for family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

       Upon Nick & I finding out we were expecting, we were very excited. We had been together for a year, living together pretty much that entire time. Something that was always important to me was that my parents were together and I was raised in a full family unit, I know that everyone is that lucky. Nick fortunately was raised the same way. We had discussed marriage before, but it wasn't something we were immediately planning on, until we found out about our little jelly bean. We love her so much I just can't even wait to have her in my wrapped in my arms, and to see Nick with her I just know she is going to have him wrapped around her finger. My entire pregnancy he was telling everyone I was having a boy until the day we found out she was a girl. You should have seen the devastation he carried on his face, I know it took a minute to get used to the idea of a little girl but I can see him warming up already and she's not even fully cooked. :)

http://www.forwardwalking.com/marriage-isnt-for-you/